My life is like a roller coaster.
Up and downs with spins and turns.
I used my laughter and smiles to cover up my pains and cries.
I start the day with a smile, and there will definitely be many laughters during the day.
But when I go to bed, I start to cry,
because I knew none can see me.

I do not know what I was doing or why I am still here today.
Getting constant reminders from everyone that everything is alright.
I know what path to take and in what direction to go.
I wanted to do something right along the way, just so people will know.
Know who I am and where I will go. I want to have that feeling to show.
A feeling of achievement and a feeling of success, I want my happiness to be known.
I want the feeling of knowing that I am doing and giving my best.
I never thought that such pain would eat me up inside.
Throughout the years, I have been the one who was there and supporting my friends,
when they have lost their love ones.


I met my bestfriend through the internet.
Just like everyone, I was very careful.
I never told him any details about myself,but I surely told him my real name.
We were honest and straightforward to each other all the way through.
We contacted through mails and text messages.

After a few weeks later, we met up face-to-face for the first time.
That was something I will never forget.
We shared secrets, we laughed together, we spent many memorable times together.
But he actually hid something from me.
His family problems.
The problems which had been eating him deep inside.
The pain that he had been hiding with his smiles and laughters.
I was kept in the dark.

Then one day, I heard the news, my dear friend had committed suicide.
When I heard it, my world felt apart.
He left me his diary, he wrote everything inside it.
The days and times the both of us had fun and enjoyed each other's company.
When I read more, I found out about what he had been going through at home.
The only time he really foundd true moments of happiness is when he was with me.

Life at home for him was terrible.
He was sandwiched between his parents quarrels.
They were on the brink of divorce.
His stepfather always abused him and his mother.
Upon reading those moments of his life in his diary,
I went down to the ground, and could not handle it anymore.
I was blaming myself,
why was I not able to sense his anguish and his sadness deep within him.
I missed him terribly.
I locked myself in my room.
I became seriously ill, my mum started to worry.
I could not study in school.
I tried very hard to stay strong not wanting to let my parents down.

Now I'm sitting here, all alone.
None to sit next to me and comfort me.
Eventhough I am fine now, I could not help but shed a tear every time I read of him.
I truly believe and have faith in God
for there was a reason for everything that I was not able to comprehend.

When I think of him, I think of his laughter.
He always sits and laugh.
He was really cute.
He will be the slowest, even slower than me.
He would be the last to laugh after everyone finished laughing.

There was something I wanted him to know.
That I will never forget him.
I could not promise that I would not cry anymore because I certainly will.
I cried to bed last night no matter how I told myself not to.
But from now on, it will be tears of happiness.
Tears that tell me that you are joyful in Heaven.
The happiness that I shared with you for all those times will never be forgotten.
I am smiling to you now.